It’s easy to assume how intimacy looks like if you base it from the books and movies you’ve read and seen. More often than not, it’s presented as a steamy and passionate scene where two people forget about everything in the world, then cut to lights off. For brides who daydream about their honeymoon and the married life, they are led to think that intimacy will look the same way every time as how the directors frame it–physical and intense. While it can be, one may wonder, is it all there is to it?

We’ve talked to some recently featured brides and asked for their opinion now that they’ve crossed over to “the other side”. Here are some interesting realizations they shared about intimacy and marriage.

When intimacy is mentioned, many give a sly smile, as if insinuating that the question is taboo. It’s because many people think that intimacy refers to only the physical act of love. Yes, it’s a big factor especially in a marriage, but there’s so much more to it.

“What I’ve learned from our relationship is that intimacy is not just physical. It’s providing never-ending love and support for each other despite all the changes that are happening with each other’s lives. Creating new experiences and getting to know each other more by sharing your life through conversations. It’s about continuing to establish a deeper connection and maintaining refuge with one another despite inevitable changes, arguments, and other uncertainties in life.” -Carol, Wife

They say that the more you hold on to something very tightly, the more it will slip away. With this in mind, trusting your partner and providing him/her some breathing room is also an important factor in maintaining intimacy in marriage.

“For me, being intimate with your spouse also means knowing when to give each other space, because to allow each other to learn and grow as individuals is to show the kind of confidence and respect that only genuine intimacy creates.” -Ria, Wife

It’s impossible to feel intense intimacy everyday. That’s just not how our emotions are wired. Just like anything we set our attention and focus to, being intimate also requires effort and intention.

“Truthfully, I was expecting my entire day to be filled with “intimate” moments since we were finally living together. But I realized, there’s a lot more going on in life. It’s possible to both have busy schedules and share your first intimate moment together for the day at dinnertime. It’s also possible to go to bed first and postpone the intimate conversations to the next night. It’s not always going to look like a scene in the movie, but even the small moments that don’t always make the screen (like waiting to have a meal together or corny inside jokes), are just as important.” -Alyssa, Wife

Marriage can bring out the best and worst in a person. It’s dealing with the past, present, and future as a couple no matter how pretty or ugly things are. Remember the line “Til death do us part” in your vows? It’s a reminder that marriage is a binding union, for better or for worst. If you allow yourself to grow in intimacy towards each other, married life is a beautiful state to be in.

“We noticed a lot of each others’ habits and mannerisms – how we do things, how we react to things, how we handle the smallest everyday problems, how we make decisions and more. A lot of it we knew beforehand, but others we found out only when we got married and it was very interesting to learn the root of why and how all these things came to be. Some of them were rooted in past experience, while others were related to upbringing. The understanding of each others’ characters deepened, and that helped us learn more about the other and even helped us both get over a lot of internal struggles; it made us more aware of our character, allowed us to be more accepting of things, and also opened our eyes to the possibility of change. Processing of thoughts and feelings increased tenfold and it has helped us deal with everyday things better.” -Dan, Wife

Experiencing intimacy in marriage goes through a learning curve, too. With all the adjustments a couple goes through, it takes a while to get the right combination of emotions, timing, and quirks. You can laugh it out at the end of the day. Intimacy can be shared through laughter, too!

“Being married for two years have taught me to relax and enjoy the process of learning and journeying with my husband. Intimacy takes on different forms in marriage and we’re just taking one moment at a time, slowly discovering what works for us. We say our good mornings, we enjoy a good meal together, and we unload our thoughts at the end of the day. All of these are intimate moments we look forward to always.” – Pia, Wife